Thank you for taking time to follow Meaghan's journey of healing as she battles Medulloblastoma, a form of brain cancer.

Meaghan, our five year old daughter, was diagnosed early November 2009 after an MRI revealed she had a 4 cm solid tumor in her cerebellum. The tumor resection, while successful, resulted in serious complications.

Cancer is a family affair and here I try to chronicle not only Meg's journey, but our whole family's as well.

Friday, June 18, 2010

"Trust In God"

"Trust In God" or "Trust in the Lord." You can find these statements in many places. What do they mean? Trust in God that nothing bad will happen? That if bad stuff happens, He'll be there to see you through it? If He let the bad stuff happen, how is He "seeing" us through it?

Trust in God for what exactly? What am I trusting God to do? The phrase itself exposes the limitations of the human intellect. It's as if we need to reassure one another through this most inadequate phrasing that God is in control. If one chooses to believe in God, the Father Almighty, and comprehends the meaning of the word Adonai, then "trusting" becomes moot.

Yet because of my human limitations, and now that I am truly challenged in my relationship with the Lord, I do call into question how I "trust" Him. What exactly is the nature of our relationship? If I trust he is in control, then why does he let these horrible things like diseases afflict little children? Sin. Yeah, yeah, I know. Big, fat flippin' consolation when it's your child afflicted! If I really spend lots of time believing that God is I AM, I don't know that I like Him very much right now. And before everyone gets there catechism all in a bunch, I am allowed to dislike God. He is immutable, therefore a testy mom from Detroit cannot diminish Him.

The best answer I can come up with is perhaps we need to remind ourselves to trust Him as a means to reinforce our faith. Bad stuff will happen to you, to me, our families. So what do we do with our faith, with our relationships when things go south? Reinforce our faith through prayer, time in the Word, communion with fellow believers. So much easier said than done. When you are raised to view God as your Heavenly Father, catastrophe turns your perspective of Him on it's ear. Why would my Father allow harm to come to my child? Does He allow difficulties and tragedies in our lives to refine us, bring us closer to Him? I don't know about you, but couldn't He have just had my dog run over by a car? That would have been sufficiently attention grabbing.

So, here I am at 2:00 a.m., unable to sleep, listening to my daughter stir restlessly. I have this white hot glowing orb of anger lodged in my gut that won't dissipate, my family is at the point of fracture and I have a choice, but not really. You see, despite all my rants, I still believe in God and my salvation through our Savior, Jesus Christ. Perhaps, I'm just not ready to let go of Meaghan. To really let her go into her Heavenly Father's hands. As her mom, I think I can care for her best, but as a mom I focus on her temporal care.

I guess I'm just not ready to let go, but I know once I do I will be awash in peace. It's okay if I'm not ready yet. When I am, I know He'll be there.

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