Thank you for taking time to follow Meaghan's journey of healing as she battles Medulloblastoma, a form of brain cancer.

Meaghan, our five year old daughter, was diagnosed early November 2009 after an MRI revealed she had a 4 cm solid tumor in her cerebellum. The tumor resection, while successful, resulted in serious complications.

Cancer is a family affair and here I try to chronicle not only Meg's journey, but our whole family's as well.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Unapologetically Authentic

I haven't posted in a while. On some fronts there's nothing new to post: She's still not speaking. On other fronts there so much going on that I don't know where to begin: Meaghan is making great strides with rehab. She can sit up for short periods of time. She has taken 10 assisted steps.

On the medical front things are much more complicated. Meaghan, despite eating a cheeseburger, has pretty much stopped eating. We can get a bite in here, a sip there, but her oral eating is not going well. Twice Meg's ng tube has come out, once because she pulled it out and last night she vomited it out. Ed and I must decide now if the benefits of a G tube (one that goes straight into her stomach) outweigh the risks.

Additionally, Meg has a yeast and urinary tract infection. These past few days you can just see the fatigue and depression and weariness in her face. She's not smiling much these past few days. She seems to be holding her urine, too. I'm sure at some point we're going to have to do a bladder scan to see what is going on. I'm worried about her kidneys.

I've fallen apart this week. I'm devastated and heartbroken and bone-weary. I want to take on her suffering. I can't stop crying. I broke down in front of Maddy and Ethan last night. For ten minutes, I couldn't pull myself off the bedroom floor. I just sobbed. I didn't want them to find me, but they did. Madison draped herself over me and Ethan stroked my hair. I tried to pull myself together, but I couldn't. I couldn't.

I don't feel equipped to handle the decisions that we are required to make. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do this any more. And I'm not sorry that I'm sharing this. Watching your child suffer from a life-threatening illness is an intensely personal journey and whatever I'm feeling at the moment is my truth and it's valid.

And my faith in God during all of this? I would be lying if I didn't admit to questioning the reason behind all of this. I question why the Lord is letting His child suffer. I can't see the bigger picture in all of this. I see my beautiful daughter suffering. I can't control a single thing about this other than my reaction. Right now, my reaction is grief. I am absolutely justified in screaming out to God in my grief. In these moments, I can't list all my blessings. I am grieving my daughter's losses. My emotions are raw, visceral.

The beautiful thing about faith is I don't need to see the bigger picture. We are suffering, but we are not alone. I know he hears me and all of our prayers. I know he will answer our prayers according to His will. My faith allows me to grieve and question intensely, because His truth is immutable.


  1. Oh, Amy. I cried when I read this. I am so sorry that you (all of you) are going through this. Please know that I think of you constantly and pray for you always. I love you and I am here for you ~ I am always a phone call away, anytime.

  2. I am sorry, I understand some, because, I know no one but you can feel your feelings, and I love you and continue to pray. xo

  3. Still praying for your whole family...

  4. My Dearest Amy... just keep your vision firmly attached to the long view... soon, Meg will be home, where you all can care for her in the comfort and the love of your complete family, in your humble home... there is so much power there... soon, this season of daily medical procedures and treatments shall pass, and the time of pure healing, within the confines of your family setting, will rest upon you... Gregory

  5. Amy, this is Julie from the salon. I saw this link posted on Cindy's facebook....I want you to know that I will be CONTINUALLY remembering to pray for your daughter and your family. Im so thankful that you believe so strongly in the Lord, He is our rock and our salvation. There are no words I can say to relieve any pain, but I hope I can bring you the realization that you have more people praying for and supporting your little girl and all of you than you know.

  6. Hi Meg,

    My name is Brandy, I am a caregiver to a young woman named Nicole who has something called Multipe Sclerosis and she has a service dog named Caper, I think you might have met his friend Aussie. I have recently become ill with a seizure disorder and it is NOTHING compared to what you are going through but it is hard on me and I am scared so I pray and pray and think of you and your family. You are so brave and such an inspiration to me and people everywhere. Keep fighting and keep the faith Meg.

    PS: I met a very special, very jolly old man at the hospital Monday, thats right, Santa, and he said his doctor will be sure he will be out by Thursday to deliver those special packages to you, Ethan, Madison and kids all over the world!


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